Jaded Traveler

• Tony Smith, a guest (polite term) at the Executive Inn in Rock Hill, South Carolina was arrested today after terrorizing another guest with a four-foot python. Jeffrey Culp, 47, said, “He had the snake’s head squeezed so its mouth was open. He ran it across my face, and it tried to crawl in my mouth.” So what did Culp do to precipitate this reptilian reprisal? He asked Smith to turn down his music. Lesson Learned: You’re supposed to phone the front desk, and let them get snake-slapped in the face instead.
• Patrick Dishface (yes, that’s his real name) was accused of choking a two-year-old boy in a Farmington New Mexico motel where they were staying. Reason (as if people like this need reason): The boy had put Dishface’s clothes in the toilet.

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Motel 6 may have a new “look” but when it comes to displaying rates, they blew it. Only prices under $100 can be shown. In many locations, the price is over $100, in which case the spaces remain blank. Of course, foresight has never been this chain’s strongpoint. They named their hotels after the price originally charged in 1962 — the six-dollar room rate was calculated to cover building costs, mortgages and land leases, managers’ salaries and maid service — but then, as now, they forgot about inflation.

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These days you know you’re in a dive motel when there’s a Magic Fingers on the nightstand. In a bygone era, Magic Fingers was a 15-minute transformative experience, at least if you were a kid with a quarter, and a motel room was still an intriguing glimpse into the world of grown-ups. At its peak, Magic Fingers were installed in more than 250,000 motels, but over the years, motel owners grew tired of guests breaking into the coin boxes, and they largely disappeared. Magic Finger’s inventor, John Houghtaling, was 92. RIP.

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• Guest Gets Shafted: Richard Shevlin, 22, stuck in the elevator at the Comfort Inn in Smyrna, Georgia, tried to kick his way out. “The accused became angry and began kicking the elevator doors even though the hotel staff was trying to help him get out,” according to the warrant. He spent the night at the Cobb County jail, for assaulting an elevator.

• Stupid Motel Robber of the Week: a man walked into the Howard Johnson Express in Rapid City, South Dakota, demanding money. His weapon of choice? A butterknife. The front desk clerk took one look and refused to give him anything. He fled, but police caught him, and now he’s looking at 25 years at the gray bar motel.

• Forget the Butterknife, Hand me an Axe! At the Sting Ray Motel in Panama City, a guest threw a medieval battle axe, and then a knife at deputies, who were called about some suspicious behavior. The guest then pulled out a broad sword and locked himself in the bathroom. Police tossed him in the dungeon.

• Not all Motels are Pet-Friendly. A motel guest went to the slammer for keeping more than a dozen bunnies in her room: eight adults, five young ones, and a dead one. In Tigard, Oregon, Miriam Sakewitz, 47, was arrested and sentenced to 90 days. Her crime? She had been on probation for previously keeping 150 rabbits in her home, as well as dozens of dead bunnies in her freezer.

• Rude Hotel Guest of the Week: Rock musician Courtney Love. She and her 16-year-old daughter trashed their room at The Inn on Irving Place in New York City. They wreaked $5,000 in damage, and left behind some used needles. One question not asked by the press: Did they tip housekeeping?

• Motel Macabre: Two professional midget wrestlers were drugged to death in a cheap Mexico City hotel. “La Parkita” (Little Death) and Espectrito Junior were  apparently drugged to death by female robbers posing as prostitutes, who use drugs to knock men out before robbing them. Because of their smaller stature, the dose proved lethal.

Stupid Motel Robbers: Three men in ski masks robbed a Motel 6 in Kansas City Missouri, speeding away in a white Oldsmobile Cutlass. Pursued by police, they threw their shotgun out the window. What’s worse than using an Oldsmobile Cutlass as a getaway vehicle? The police losing it in a chase. The robbers escaped.

• One way to pay your bill: Two men were arrested at a Motel 6 in Merced California for printing fake money in their guest room. Using a press, printer, and chemicals, they were churning out fake bills, which were drying on the bathroom vanity to create a “weathered look. “You wouldn’t have to be an expert to figure out it was fake,” said Sgt. Rodney Court. 

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